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No Regrets

2012 was the biggest year of my life thus far.  The year before, I’d left the comfort of a 6 year relationship to pursue what I thought was true love.  An acquaintance from my teen years re-entered my life, and after many years of no contact we ended up living on the same street.  For years he had promised me the world and told me endless times that he would give me the baby I’d yearned for all of my life.  He spoke of his love and the protection he would offer our family if I would just “jump in with two feet”.

In 2012 I left my previous life behind and took that leap, while almost simultaneously discovering that I was pregnant.  We had both had separate experiences with abortion when we were younger. Leading up to my pregnancy, we both agreed that abortion was not something we would or could ever do again.  He would be there as a loving father, partner and provider.

I remember the moment I took the pregnancy test like it was yesterday – two lines that confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.  I thought about the reality of the situation and the reactions I would face as I’d just left a long term relationship.  But in my heart I knew that I had asked God for this baby and I was going to keep him.

My entire world fell apart in the next few weeks.  I quickly realized that I barely knew the man I had so carelessly made a child with.  He quickly told me he didn’t want me or the child inside me, and abortion was my only choice.  Although I’d just moved into his apartment, he kicked me out leaving me with no place to go. I will never forget the feelings of hopelessness and sheer abandonment by the man I had given up everything for.

My parents had told me they wouldn’t watch me ruin my life – if I was to carry the child, they would no longer be there for me.  Luckily they eventually came around as it became clear that I was going to keep this child whom I already loved so much.

The following months of my pregnancy were consumed not by the joy of meeting my child, but by sheer fear of the unknown.  I had nowhere to live, no man standing by me as I carried a child and no idea how I would do everything on my own.  I spent most of my pregnancy sleeping on an air mattress in my parent’s basement, working myself to the bone and crying myself to sleep every night.  This was the farthest thing from the ideal I had naively dreamt of. 

In September of 2012 my son made an early appearance. He was born quite literally to the cheers of a crowd of hospital staff.  With the help of my family I was able to move into my own place a month after my son was born.  My friends and family rallied around me like nothing I’d ever experienced. I gathered every bit of strength I had to be the best mother I could for my son.  When he was 5 months old, I went back to work. I had my own business, and was lucky enough to be able to bring him with me every day. The two of us worked together as a team to get through each day.  Slowly I began to realize a child can empower you to accomplish things you never would have thought possible.

It has been 18 months since my son was born. His father is consistently in his life, but I closely monitor their relationship.  This isn’t how I ever would have pictured my family to be, but I know that a child needs a father just as much as a mother.

My son has reminded me of what it’s like to see the world through innocent eyes and has me laughing from deep within on a daily basis.  He is everything good, pure and right and I have never once for a single second regretted having him.  I know without question that I am better because of him –he has not only touched and inspired my life, but also all of those around him.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and my son is my angel sent from God.  They say that nothing worthwhile in life comes easily – every day I am truly grateful because he is without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me.

During the initial stages of my pregnancy I stumbled upon The Pregnancy Care Centre after doing a search on the internet for pregnancy support services in the Toronto area.  The program and staff were warm, welcoming and non-judgemental and played an integral part of my success.  The Pregnancy Care Centre offered me invaluable emotional support, workshops and connecting me with others going through similar situations.  I will forever be grateful for the staff support and services I received!  

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